So I bought an ESP-1, ESP-12, ESP32 programming jig from AliExpress.  They look like this:

It arrived what I thought was DoA.  I was unable to get any life out of it.  So, as they're cheap, I just ordered another.  A second one arrived also DoA, which then got me thinking, what had happened?

After extensive checking of the USB-C connector, I eventually realized there were no 5k1 ground pulldown resistors on the USB-C CC1/CC2 lines.  More so, CC1/CC2 weren't even connected beyond their pad.

Once I knew this, I knew what to do to make the board "work".  By taking a USB-A to USB-C adapter, and building a frakencable to go USB-C to USB-C VIA USB-A I was able to power the board and communicate with it.

Win.

So what happened here?  Well as far as I can work out, old designs in Chinese factories are just getting USB-C sockets slapped on rather than microUSB ones.  The result is no regard of the USB-C protocol and its electrical requirements.

Once you know what's happened, everything falls into place.  I could add CC1/CC2 5k1 ground wires or I could continue to use a frakencable.  But all I can say for sure is, when debugging a problem, it's never what you think.