Obsidian

20 years of backups is a lot to go through if you dont know what you are looking for and didnt remember making a copy in the first place.

But Oh, Joy...

Meet Laura. You're not getting away with this one...

Check and Mate, Andrew.

Still nothing. You guys are journalists, right? ;-p

Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?
Come on now
I hear you're feeling down
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again

Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb

Waters et al, Pink Floyd's The Wall

Years ago I showed my work to a psychiatrist, he told me I was DaVinci and threw me out with the instructions,

"Get your daughter out of care and take over the world with your robots."

Who's mad, me or him? I thought. Megalomania, and I'd be right back in here in two seconds flat with a genuine reason. But, no psychiatrist worth his salt would try such a lowbrow trick with an intelligent man. Besides, he did level with me and say I was smarter and saner than he, and I'd hate him for it. He was wrong about that tho. I hate no-one...

I have grown comfortable with what I am, and responsibly decided the planet is a ball of monkey poo and not worth dominating anyway. I do despise the despicable though. Politicians like May and her cronies who really do seem to have it in for everyone except themselves. Boris is of course just an idiot, and envisioning myself among these greedy and poorly educated fops just makes me laugh.

I dream of riches like any man, but behave like that to acquire it? No, I am not maladjusted either, and I have Bea to consider or I would work to acquire the power to change it myself.

In the meantime, I should throw away the opportunity to be recognised, respected, rewarded for what I am? Because a round of applause or taking the piss isnt close, and being ignored is just insulting.

Gratitude must be shown here to those who do support me. Mark, of course, who contributes directly, and Sophi I know did some fairly extensive personal promotion, Ars and the ZeroPhone crew, followers, friends, critics, and an unknown but equally important amount of people who folded an Origami star or did something creative because of me.

Thats why I came, and why I stayed. Not to take over the world, not to entertain it, not to clean it up, and not teach it [a lesson...]. I am an example of what a human can be if they put their minds to it. I learned all this, so can anyone... All it takes is to find the truth in something and its yours.

I am however at pains as to "What the actual fuck is wrong with you people?". You guys see it, right? A couple hundred thousand nerds and more... Among several billion who dont, led by a handful of total dicks. I pity this planet, I dont hate it, nor do I pity myself.

This really is getting to be intolerable.

Bea by now has cottoned on to the fact that when I get angry enough, things change. She has a massive communications issue, but there's a mind in there that reasons, even if it doesnt reason like mine.

As I said before, historically she's been inclined to soil herself and the house in protest to something she doesnt like but cant point out. She was very lazy for decades and needed continence aids, but now providing everything is ok with her she doesnt need them day-to-day.

I am worried though, there are other signs, other things she does. She doesnt confront me directly to make me angry, that would be pointless - all she'd do is annoy me deliberately, and that would get her nowhere. So instead she sits and stares at me until I ask her what she wants, and grins while I run out of guesses and give up.

But I dont have to do that too often to figure out she still wants something, and boy does that get on your tits after a few hours.

She also does things she knows get up my nose but she wont be punished for. Thats actually rare, I have to make huge allowance for things like flushing all my toilet paper away on the weekend. Catastrophic, so I got wise and hid a spare.

She's had that one away too, this morning. That will teach me to laugh about ruining the social workers morning dump when he reads about us in his morning paper. Now either I am psychic, or she heard me and thought, ooh, great idea Dad. Thanks for that, now I do sincerely hope he crimps off his morning coffee and ruins his day. He at least gets paid for it.

Piling all her possessions on her bed at bedtime so I have to shift the lot while she just laughs. She's got a revolting old rug with streets and houses, and the backing is coming off it. She loves it, I hate it because it leaves a trail of gritty yellow foam behind it and I cant replace it. It was a thoughtful gift from a relative on her mums side as a kid, and a well heeled one at that. If I have to sweep it off her bedsheets one more time I'll yell, I know I will.

Asking for things she doesnt actually want. I suppose thats probably part of the staring thing, but she knows damn well I hate wasting stuff, I dont have disposable income. All I can do is sputter, because I cant refuse her request for anything reasonable. Hysterical, I'll cook you something else then shall I Madam? And I keep running out of things for her lunchbox because she threw them in the bin.

Deliberately doing everything the hard way, refusing help and usually falling foul of it. Her favourite is to use the swings at the playpark for a while, stop, and turn around by stepping through the swing from behind. She'll growl if I attempt to rescue her after she's got a foot caught and flails wildly until she falls off. Most people would just sit down but not her. Its a performance I guess, but I only see it when she's annoyed about something. [ If anyone can figure out what this means I'd love to know. I'm baffled ;-) ]

Changing her clothes as many times as she can get away with so I run out of clean socks and knickers for her and wonder why there's a huge pile of washing, or take clean stuff off the line and wonder why it isnt clean. She knows I insist she goes out of the house clean, tidy clothes, hair brushed and plaited with everything she needs and it drives me mad trying anyway without that kind of sabotage.

Normally I dont have to deal with any of these; Bea gets what Bea needs. I've been doing this for 20 years, I dont even have to think, much less twice.

But Bea knows she hates the stairs and the shit, misses her trampoline and she knows I'm unhappy. I know because she hugs me and gives me thumbs up and tries to make me laugh too. Bea isnt getting what she needs, and I cant provide it, so she has to find a way to tell me and thats how she does it.

Unfortunately, Social Services are so inept they wont even read this in my global blog, after I told them about it, forcing me to write to the UK papers. Sorry Andrew, but you bluffed me with jokers and I've got a Royal Flush.

I do so love wiping my ass on headed writing paper...

Go behind my back and subvert a doctor, would you?

This morning I have an appointment with a psychologist, which is crucial to my case with Social Services.

There has been some dialog, but as usual when dealing with officialdom, they make it unofficial and use a phone call from a lackey. They havent responded at all to my email, which says a lot. They know full well that to do so would be to admit or deny their wrongdoings.

They can do neither; if they deny it the weight of evidence will crush them and prove them wrong, and if they admit it they lose anyway, but facts are facts. The social worker of course tried to dissuade me from taking my complaint further and even had the nerve to suggest the court would side with them over abusing Keri's rights, and using a disabled person to do it, thinking she'd get away with it.

And then there's me.

I have argument with the medical side of local authority as well. I wasnt going to drag this up, but I feel its necessary, its an old wound that never healed anyway.

Back when I first started caring for Bea alone, and while my ex partner was being abusive, I had a little flat in the top of town above an insurance agents I ran into some serious trouble. I dont know whether my ex partner had anything to do with it but it wouldnt surprise me... I popped over the local shop opposite my door for milk one evening and had to walk around a group of teenage girls kicking the sign outside, I didnt pay them much attention beyond the noise, which had woken Bea up. When I came back out of the shop she was standing in the window looking after she'd gone to bed, so I said 'Do you mind, love?' to the one with the hooves, pointing at the window, and then left them alone as she stopped, 'Ta...'

Seconds later I received a massive blow to my shoulder, which span me around, and then a fist broke my eye socket. I'd had the nerve to speak to the girlfriend of a local thug who'd just been let out of Juvenile detention and spent the day getting gloriously drunk, and who I didnt see behind the girls. He wrestled me to the ground and was going to beat me senseless, but the shopkeeper dragged him off and got punched for his trouble, and the then the little sod went mental and started smashing shop windows until he was arrested.

I stood in court months later still with half my eyeball red, and with bruising round the socket and put him away for 5 years, it got into the local paper as well. The court gave me papers to claim CICA compensation, which stated damage to vision was worth over £20,000.

However, there needed to be medical records. When I wrote to the hospital for my records, those files had conveniently gone missing, and there was no record of me being treated for a broken eye socket at all, or even attending opthalmology.

Strange how the papers and my personal opthalmic records both refer to the incident, and my prescription changed to include a corrective prism on that eye.

When I do drag these bastards into court, it will be extensive.

I'll give them a few days to knock heads but I doubt anything will change.

Thats the final straw. I now have to get off of benefits so I can raise the funds for litigation.

Well this is a right pickle, and now I'm not sure on the ethics.

The latest conversation with the social worker didnt really go as expected. Obviously my joke of him finding me a wife fell flat on its face before I even got a chance to make it. Humourless, but never mind, I never met a sociable social worker anyway.

Fine, to business then.

It transpires that realistically, they are now prepared to offer one-to-one care in a residential block; she has her own life and space and there is a warden there constantly besides the carer. The question is now whether Bea will accept this. And there is also the same level of care offered in our home, but neither of us are happy about that either. In both scenarios I retain advocacy, but with a carer in our home it means extra work for me, clearing up after the carer and working, and extra expense preparing two sets of meals instead of one each day. Funding remains the same, and I have a stranger come to my house each day I have absolutely no desire to interact with. The same could be said for Bea...

Nobody understands Autism, not even Auteurs. The thought fills me with dread, I feel naked and violated, and now I'm stimming. If I force myself along this line of reasoning I'll become anxious and eventually aggressive. Bea exhibits some of these symptoms as well, although strictly speaking she isnt Autistic either. I understand how she feels a lot of the time though.

The social worker managed to offend me, unsurprisingly. As I've mentioned he is also a carer and one of his children is Autistic, but the situation is very different. His son attended a regular school and is looking to having a job and a life with a little assistance, mostly prompting from a carer in a supervisory role. His dad is looking forward to him growing up and moving on. This is how normal people behave, and he sees it as a goal for those with disabilities.

I have huge issues with this; 'Normal' people draw a line around themselves and their peers and bend or break those that dont fit until they do, or exclude them completely, and Bea has been excluded already. I'm not happy about him bending her to fit either, or me come to that. It isnt natural for Bea to want to have her own independent life, nor should she automatically have it. It cant even be approximated for her; work, a partner, children, social status are all probably denied her - dangling it like a carrot is just fucking cruel to someone like Bea. As cruel as excluding her from it...

And as for me, I'm unrecognised in any capacity and left to fend for myself. Well, thats all fine, I'm an adult and can take care of myself - I've proven that much, and taken care of my children with as much success. However, I am Autistic myself, been disadvantaged and discriminated against because of my daughter's disability and abused.

Normal, I am not. ;-)

He also tried to twist me up in knots over the advocacy, and tried to suggest I was free to drop Bea off at their offices, and they'd be obliged to find her care and accommodation if I was so fed up with caring. He knows full well it isnt the caring I have issues with, but the conditions that they control, and the expectation I'll accept them. Besides, what parent would drop off their kids to the authorities even if they didnt want them. It doesnt happen, why else would Social Services have a reputation of ignorance while an entire generation suffered at the hands of the democratically perverse.

I pointed out that I'd almost certainly win the day in court, which he countered with the fact that if I did it would set a precedent that would lead to other carers winning the right to pay, holiday, healthcare, insurance, etc and that would bankrupt Social Services.

Touche, sir, to destroy you would indeed be a Pyrrhic victory, denying not only me service but also all others who rely on the rather pathetic resources they provide now. But is that an excuse for systemic incompetency I hear? Sure sounds like it to me.

Well, they created the monster, they have to feed it or it'll eat them, and anything else it fancies.

Wait, what?

Nice one Bea. I sat her down a couple times over the last few days and tried hard to get her attention on the implications of what I'm doing on her behalf, what it will mean to her.

Like I said, its not determination or judgement she lacks, its an inability to communicate it back - if she will pay it any attention. She just shrugs at a lot of stuff, her way of saying its not important, or she's happy with the current paradigm. She usually is, I'd know about it if she wasnt, speaking from experience.

I tried to make her understand there would be changes because of what I was telling her, and asked her about the two options the social worker has given.

Lol, that was almost expected, she does not want to know about living somewhere else. Well he can strike that one off the list straight away then. I explained it would be a home like this home, and I'd come and see her there. Nope, that was too much, she wont go for that. Oh well then, but not a loss.

I also suggested someone coming here to help her, instead of Daddy. I didnt get much of a response to that to begin with either. She shrugged... Well thats a start then. A bit later I tried again, and she said 'sleep'.

Puzzling. That either means - in context - "I'm tired, time for bed" or "At bedtime", or "Respite", which she understands as sleeping there a few nights before coming home. Yes I told her, someone else might get her ready for bed instead of me. 'Sleep' she persisted. Later still I asked her again, and got the same, sleep. "What, you want them to live here and look after you?"... 'Sleep'

And then it dawned on me she was asking for me to find someone for us, not her. Bless her... She understands that the few girls who have been any use at all have been those that slept over, and a few of those would snuggle her duvet up against the bedbugs and the howling wind and wish her sleep tight until morning, brush stray hair off her forehead and kiss it goodnight. Like her father does...

Lord, a woman? I have grave reservations about that, in more than one sense. I'm not about to open myself up to that again. Nobody comes THAT close to losing a tentacle and ever forgets it, I need treatment to get around the emotional damage before I'll ever be comfortable again.

I can tell you another thing ladies, years of being told to 'piss off, nerd/freak/loser' really doesnt do much to help your case. This is going to be expensive and no mistake.

OK so Mr Social Worker, you really want a challenge? Find me a wife. That's what the little mare wants. And I wont find one on HackaDay or round my home town, obviously. They're not exactly knocking on my door. Nor will I find one living in this shithole, speaking of my door. Even paid leaflet droppers cant be bother to scale the steps, never mind for the love of it.

Oh he's going to enjoy this, or I will... I better phone him and break him the bad news.

Again, the twisting lengths the government go to, to shirk responsibility and slink away unpunished when it goes wrong.

I'm not calling this social worker incompetent any more than the last, and she should not have been allocated in the first place. Employing disabled people as social workers is disgraceful, the allowances I had to make for her, and her guide dog, and her aide, were nothing short of bully tactics. As was using her disability to protect her from recriminations when she made a mistake. Drag a disabled person into court and question their competence to obtain compensation? No, not me either...

This one is a carer himself, and a musician, and I can honestly say he hasnt done a thing to offend me. Actually hasnt done anything at all, but thats not enough to warrant tearing his head off and mailing it to HQ with my terms stuffed in it.

Regarding your response to the complaint I sent to the County Council about its performance.

That is not satisfactory I am afraid, you failed to address any of my key points properly, and most of them completely.

"I recognise that you provide a significant level of unpaid..."

Indeed I do, and yes, you do, and therein lays a significant part of my argument. I am Keri's father, and raised her single-handedly after her mother attempted to kill me more than once. Why when I and my disabled daughter are victims of an assault by a mentally unstable person under the care of Social Services are we uncounselled and uncompensated, and why when your department cruelly institutionalised Keri against her will as an adult and viciously attacked her father with no justification, are we still completely ignored and denied any service or compensation?

You also completely ignored the historic abuse by your department. When I took representation for her legally I did so to prevent her being ignored and abused. At the time the girl was crying and throwing her arms around my neck in preference to being left to her own devices, unsupported, in an environment she hadnt chosen to be in, while I was systematically stripped of responsibility, social status and rights. She can make determination and judgement about things; what she cannot do is communicate them. She is still unhappy about the manner and location of her care, and your department still have not rectified this 3 years after I took advocacy for her. Why not?

I speak for her and execute her affairs, I do not make her decisions. This is what advocacy means, and as her advocate I am complaining on her behalf. This does not mean I may not speak for myself though, and I do. Why are you ignoring us both?

You know as well as I do that Keri is unable to speak and barely able to sign. You also know that your department allocated a social worker who is registered blind, to deal with her case. When she alleged that Keri had told her that she wanted to be institutionalised when she clearly did not, and then used her disability to overrule me, she made a serious error of judgement. While I would rather not drag the woman into it publicly I will if I have to, and take it as far as it will go legally too. While I also would not question her competence, I question your department's in allocating her to Keri's case. It was clearly inappropriate, as were some of her decisions. Why was she allocated?

I'm afraid I dont believe you are sorry I am unsupported. If you were actually sorry, you would support me. Please dont fob me off with a pack of nonsense to pad out your excuses.

"West Sussex County Council do not have direct responsibility..."

Indeed they do not, however all three of these agencies defer to the Local Government Ombudsman's adjudication, which requires I complete your complaints procedures. They are the next step I will take to get some service out of you beyond trying to befriend me with a keyworker who has no authority to act.
******** is a good man, probably one of the better among you. But he was chosen very carefully, as was his predecessor, not to sort out the mess but to sweep it under the carpet. Perhaps you dont understand that I'm not gong to allow that, and ******** is not my friend, he is a representative of an enemy that chose me.

"Support could also be offered..."

Support was offered three years ago, and accepted on promise. It has never materialised.
Keri was allocated a keyworker to aid her communication. This in fact came down to a half-hour meeting during which the woman signed off and gave me an illegal copy of Makaton's Core pack, a language Keri does not use, and which turned out to be the language training I was offered to become her advocate. Breach of copyright is an offence, even if it is only one copy of an entire language training system worth hundreds of pounds. If this kind of practise is systemic I dont have to tell you what I think of it. As a multi-field artist I have been openly copied in the media and recognise the value of work I’ve been forced to open-source, lacking a legal framework to establish business and a path to monetisation. Do not take me for a fool, or uneducated in the art of business… I’ve had two offers of employment I could not take because of the restrictions the regulations have on me this year alone, one of which was prestigious and lucrative, teaching my skills to the next generation of roboticists. While this may not be important to you, or to ******** who professes no interest either, it is important to me, and Keri, because it will be they that look after us when I am too old, and only if we have enough money to pay for it. On benefits that will never happen, and I’m insulted you expect me to die penniless for my troubles…
I have been offered support workers before the advocacy. The only physical support I have ever had is a man who donned a boiler-suit and helped me throw away belongings that reminded me of my ex partner. While I have been offered support for Keri, I have to either pay for it or supervise it myself. More recently ******** offered to find a team of regular carers Keri would come to trust. I am waiting for them to arrive, if they have not because you think I declined them then you are grossly misinformed, and I dont know what ******** thinks he is doing. It isnt what we agreed, which is service. Why are you lying to me?

As far as the Safeguarding concerns go, you are also misinformed. The driver was disciplined; I do not want the staff to be punished for following procedure, I want the procedure to be adequate. I was most displeased that the driver was pulled from the run and not allowed to apologise to me immediately as well, the way the system treats its staff and clients is nothing short of disgusting. It is poorly funded and the staff are stretched already. If any of my complaints come back on them by way of punishment, you know that too is an injustice.
When someone cannot communicate formally, they use behaviour to communicate instead. When Keri does something she does it for a reason, and she stayed on the bus where she is unaffected by the noisy and stressful environment of daycare. She chose not to be there, and she was ignored. No attempt was made to communicate with her, why?

Keri has also not chosen her father to care for her, she has chosen the only person she knows who gives her what she asks. As her advocate its my job to ensure she gets it, but not mine to execute it, and your department persistently fails to provide the alternative we are promised. While I am under no legal obligation to remain Keri's advocate, I have to formally give it to someone, and I can only give it to someone I trust to speak for Keri.
I do not trust any official because the system only supports institution, and this goes against the National Disabilities Act, which clearly states a disabled person has the right to a say in the manner and location of their care. I do not have anyone else I can trust to speak for her, but myself. I do not trust your department.

In this manner I am legally obligated until an alternative is found that doesnt involve institutionalisation for Keri, but that does not mean I am legally obligated to care for her. Keri wishes to live in the community, it is your departments job to ensure she does safely. You do not have authority over me unless you employ me and you clearly do not, so it falls to your department to provide the service or compensate if you cannot.
I'm sorry if any of this comes as a surprise to you, but it might encourage you to keep better records. Fortunately doctors do, I have an appointment on the 25th Jan '18 to discuss exactly how your department persistently fails to provide anything other than a detrimental effect after abusing the both of us.

Disgraceful behaviour from an institution that labels itself Social and Caring Services, none of those three words actually describe anything about it. My complaint stands, and will be forwarded to the Ombudsman along with your response.

The Core training manual copied from the official documentation. During the decision I was awarded training to become Bea's official advocate. The State requires a standard, and they chose to force me to learn this because I have an eidetic memory. However, instead of sending me on the courses to acquire these skills, they just copied the manual and asked me to memorise it.

I cannot begin to describe how wrong that was. Who the hell do they think they are?

Well their response was typical, and I wasnt expecting much more.

1 Not our problem, its yours.

Yes we recognise you as Bea's carer and that we arent paying you to do so, and we know you dont like it. Thats what we are paid for.

We'll see about that.

2 Yes we are useless.

You didnt expect us to actually do anything about that did you?

Yeah, I do, I'm not doing it for you for free anymore. Clear up your own mess or pay someone to do it.

3 Not our department

We'll conveniently ignore the historic abuse and neglect by our department, and despite being part of the same organisation we'll also ignore the rest of the complaint as irrelevant.

Did you even read my email?

4 Right back at you.

You chose this course of action, dont expect us to help you beyond our remit. We made you her representative so we can blame you when it all goes wrong.

Wrong, you abused her rights under the National Disabilities Act and only barely got away with it, its only by abusing mine, unable to access legal representation that you still are getting away with it.

5 We're so full of shit.

We made a mission statement 3 years ago after we abused you and havent made good on it, so now we're going to deny you accepted the terms of care and representation. We're aware that this defies the logic of you accepting those terms, you're stupid.

Fine. Talk to my solicitor.

...cont